Fierce Self-Compassion for Childless Women
Being childless wasn't in my plan; if you are here, it wasn't in your plan either.
Yet, despite our plans, here we are. Now what?
It is necessary to look at the losses, cultivate a relationship with grief, AND find a way to have a fulfilling, purposeful life without the children you wanted.
How do you create a fulfilling, purposeful life?
With tender yet fierce self-compassion.
Tender to offer ourselves the kindness and understanding that we need and desire. Fierce to help mobilize us and act in the world to alleviate suffering, ours and others.
If you haven't read the blog post "What is Self-Compassion and How Can it Help Childless Women," I suggest you read it first as it breaks down the concept of self-compassion into its parts - kindness, shared humanity and mindfulness.
Tender self-compassion involves being with ourselves and accepting ourselves. It is where we comfort ourselves, reassure ourselves that we aren't alone and are present with our pain.
Fierce self-compassion is associated with 'acting in the world' to relieve suffering. It looks different depending on the action required but tends to involve protecting, providing for, or motivating ourselves.
With fierce self-compassion, we can stand up for ourselves, nourish and provide for ourselves, and motivate the changes necessary to thrive.
We hold ourselves, our values and our beliefs in the highest regard, and we act from that place.
Fierce Self-Compassion for Childless Women
Stand up for Yourself
When you need to protect yourself, draw boundaries or stand up to someone, fierce self-compassion helps you gain clarity, be brave and feel empowered.
For example, a common occurrence in the lives of childless women is being asked intrusive questions about whether we have kids, when we will have them or why we don't already - and as we age, these questions will turn into 'Do you have grandkids'?
The practice of fierce self-compassion helps you cultivate the confidence to draw boundaries and answer in a way that makes you feel good. (Check out my post "How to Respond to Intrusive Questions as a Childless Woman).
Provide for Yourself
What do you need, want or desire in your life? A big question, I know.
The grief of childlessness makes it hard to know what you need, want or desire.
It is hard to think about because consciously building a fulfilling life without the children you wanted can feel like a betrayal, like leaving the imagined life with your child behind. But it's not a betrayal. On the contrary, it is necessary to live fully.
You must look at what you need and want regarding emotional and psychological fulfillment. It is integral to embracing your life, as these are the building blocks of a fulfilling, purposeful life.
Tender self-compassion helps you soothe yourself when feelings are big and fierce self-compassion can help you provide for yourself in a fulfilled, balanced and authentic way.
Motivate to Thrive
How do you make the changes necessary to be fulfilled? To have what you need, want and desire in your childless life?
By practicing fierce self-compassion focused on motivating yourself with an encouraging, wise vision.
It is common to motivate ourselves and others with criticism and shame. Initially, you are inspired to change based on criticism and feelings of shame, but the motivation will wane as criticism and shame are ultimately demotivating. Therefore, it is necessary to motivate with kindness instead of criticism to make changes that stick.
What if you could tap into a force that motivates you with an encouraging, wise vision instead?
Like any big task, breaking it down into smaller parts is helpful.
Looking at your needs, wants and desires, what have you wanted to do differently or try that you have been putting off?
What can you start today to help you build a fulfilling, purposeful life?
A fierce self-compassion practice motivates you with an encouraging, wise vision.
Living with self-compassion
Cultivating the mindset and experience of tender and fierce self-compassion takes practice. You practice to increase your skill level - just as you would if you were learning to play an instrument. Knowing the concepts is different from feeling the power of living with self-compassion. Feeling confident to act in the world as a childless woman from a foundation of kindness, agency, and positive motivation is incredible.
Start your own journey with the free Self-Compassion for Childless not by Choice Women Course.
