An Apprenticeship With Sorrow
A relationship with grief not only serves my childless identity but also my whole being. The reality of being human is that grief and loss are pervasive and perennial - there is never a time when grief is not around, and we need an approach and skills to be with it and tend to it.
Irish poet John O'Donohue says that life is a growth in the art of loss.
Grief isn't an emotion. It is a core human capacity - if we can turn towards sorrow and engage with it - this deepens our capacity and creates a relationship with grief.
Relationships aren't passive. To be fulfilling, they need regular attention. This relationship is where we pay attention, witness, be, and tend to our grief. With loving care and attention, the grief can soften. This attention allows us to move forward with our experiences and be curious about what is possible.
My teacher, Francis Weller, beautifully calls cultivating a relationship with grief "An Apprenticeship with Sorrow." He outlines six elements he feels are necessary to engage in this apprenticeship.
Six Elements of an Apprenticeship With Sorrow:
Coming into right relationship with grief- a typical approach to grief is binary - either we push it away or we drown in it. Coming into right relationship means finding the middle ground of companionship with our grief.
Cultivating a practice - something you do to engage with your grief that also provides stabilization, something to give you ballast. It can be anything that brings you comfort - writing, knitting, yoga, dancing, prayer, running, cooking, walking in the woods. You can formally or informally tend to your grief while doing these things. It's all about the intention.
Coming into adult presence - many of us have never been held well or taught how to grieve, so often we panic, get overwhelmed and feel lost. It is essential to be able to turn to the parts of ourselves that feel that way and offer support. We do this through self-compassion.
Self-compassion starts as a practice and, over time, becomes a way of being with yourself. Creating a robust relationship with parts of ourselves that ache, are lonely, and feel shame is necessary.
Cultivate a relationship with silence and solitude - We need spaciousness and quiet to engage with our grief and listen beyond the acute feelings.
Maintaining filaments to relationships to the broader world - Grief can be isolating. We need to remember and maintain connections with the extensive kinship network to remain entangled despite the despair we encounter. This means recognizing kinship with humans, other than human beings and the natural world around us.
The elements aren't in any particular order, and one isn't any more important than the others. Some may resonate, some may not. The ones that inspire curiosity are an excellent place to start. It is important to remember that creating relationships takes time. Learning skills and building capacity takes time.
Go slowly, be gentle - there is no wrong way to tend to your grief.
